As I was making dinner for me and the boy the other night, (we had stuffed chicken breasts with prosciutto and smoked Gouda, with a nice stone ground mustard cream sauce), I was reminded about how I used to visit Nadine and cook for her.
It was while I was working at The Ram, and we all were just friends. I would pack up this large gym bag with everything I needed to cook dinner at Nadine's apartment, which ironically is only about 6 blocks from where I live now. I would bring my own pots, pans, plates, silverware, spices, knives, everything. I would even bring all the food, all in zip lock bags. I would then get on a bus and ride to her place, where I would then unload and cook her dinner. Its was also about this time that I started to learn about Nadine, and her medical problems. She would keep all her medications lined up in her kitchen like a miniature pharmacy, so I started writing them down, then looking them up later, to find out what they were and why she wasn't supposed to be taking all of them at once, like she did.
Now I had a reason for seeing Nadine, beyond cooking her dinner, which was I was the green supplier for most everyone at the Ram, so this whole trip to Nadine's was really just to sell her an 1/8, the money from which I would just spend on the cab ride home the next morning. But I didn't care. Somebody needed to take care of her. I would always give her a hard time about the water in her bong, cause it never got changed unless I did it. And it gave me a chance to play our favorite game. See, Nadine is OCD, and does notice if something has been moved around. I would love to go into her bathroom and switch just 2 small things around, then wait for her to notice. I did it to everything she owned, just moving little things around, two pictures, a candle, anything. Later, I stopped the game, realizing that she needs the stability and structure, plus she asked me to stop, though i still do sometimes.
These were also the days when me and Nadine would watch Adult Swim together. I didn't have cable, so at Nadine's we would watch cartoons. It was fun as she tried to explain them to me, Inuasha, Cowboy Bebop, Full Metal Alchemist, and Ghost in the Shell. We'd stay up all night watching them together. Even later, we always would make time for Adult swim together.
It hurts alot to remember the old days sometimes, before everything got so serious. It was a fun time, as we were still figuring out our friendship and such. I was so in love with Nadine from the very beginning, and she did her best to prevent me from getting close, but it didn't work.
Nadine, I still love you so very much, and am so lost without you. Everything about the last 8 years has been about you, taking care of you and just being with you. I loved to come see you, make dinner and just hang out with you. We would cuddle up on the couch and watch tv together, and I so miss that time together. I still don't know why you left, why you ran away and hid in another life so quickly. I'm so miserable without you, and so lost.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
Love Spell
So as i rode the bus home today, a girl walked past me, and without any conscious thought to it, I closed my eyes and inhaled, savoring the perfume and other fragrances that women and all their products combine to lure us males in. Al Pacino was right, there is something to the scent of a woman, and how it affects us, triggers memories and feelings.
Nadine always wore Love Spell by VS, who by the way is probably my second favorite girl, ever. When I first met her at the Ram, Nadine would always come in the front door, walk past the open kitchen line, headed towards the back and the employee area. No matter where in the kitchen I was, I could always catch that perfume, even just the slightest hint of it in the air, and I got excited. I knew she was there, I knew the girl that I had slowly been talking with, slowly becoming friends with, she had arrived. And sure enough, after a few minutes, Nadine would come out in uniform, ready to work, and I would be so intoxicated by that perfume. And since it got Nadine so much attention, and so many of the girls there wanted to be like Nadine, cause she was hot, and got so much attention, that quickly everyone started wearing Love Spell. Such a cruel twisted joke, to be in the back of the kitchen, catch that ever so faint whiff of Nadine, only to rush out and find its not her at all. Later, as we started hanging out more, and our lives moved on, Nadine started wearing PINK, also by my girl Vicky, who made the best of all time push up bra Nadine would wear, and god, it made her look so good. I never got the same mental trigger with the new perfume, but there are other smells forever linked to my love. Almond, and the smell of sugar cookies, cause that's her favorite massage oil. Cocoa, from all the Palmers Cocoa Butter I've working into her skin. The fruity smell from her shampoo, to the smell of a menthol cigarette, it all reminds me of a better time, when she lived with me. I miss that, just the way the whole house smells when a woman lives with you, versus living alone.
Nadine, I love you so much and don't know if I'll ever understand why you left me. Everything reminds me of you, and all the crazy adventures we've been on together. I miss every little thing about you Nadine. The way the house would smell after you shower and get all fixed up. The way you think you stink when you're sick, but never bothered me. Nadine, I miss it all, I miss you and need you, and all that you are, back in my life.
Nadine always wore Love Spell by VS, who by the way is probably my second favorite girl, ever. When I first met her at the Ram, Nadine would always come in the front door, walk past the open kitchen line, headed towards the back and the employee area. No matter where in the kitchen I was, I could always catch that perfume, even just the slightest hint of it in the air, and I got excited. I knew she was there, I knew the girl that I had slowly been talking with, slowly becoming friends with, she had arrived. And sure enough, after a few minutes, Nadine would come out in uniform, ready to work, and I would be so intoxicated by that perfume. And since it got Nadine so much attention, and so many of the girls there wanted to be like Nadine, cause she was hot, and got so much attention, that quickly everyone started wearing Love Spell. Such a cruel twisted joke, to be in the back of the kitchen, catch that ever so faint whiff of Nadine, only to rush out and find its not her at all. Later, as we started hanging out more, and our lives moved on, Nadine started wearing PINK, also by my girl Vicky, who made the best of all time push up bra Nadine would wear, and god, it made her look so good. I never got the same mental trigger with the new perfume, but there are other smells forever linked to my love. Almond, and the smell of sugar cookies, cause that's her favorite massage oil. Cocoa, from all the Palmers Cocoa Butter I've working into her skin. The fruity smell from her shampoo, to the smell of a menthol cigarette, it all reminds me of a better time, when she lived with me. I miss that, just the way the whole house smells when a woman lives with you, versus living alone.
Nadine, I love you so much and don't know if I'll ever understand why you left me. Everything reminds me of you, and all the crazy adventures we've been on together. I miss every little thing about you Nadine. The way the house would smell after you shower and get all fixed up. The way you think you stink when you're sick, but never bothered me. Nadine, I miss it all, I miss you and need you, and all that you are, back in my life.
Friday, May 20, 2011
True Loves First Kiss
They say that true loves first kiss is magical. Its what saves the princess, breaks evil spells, and all sorts of other hollywood bullshit. But can you remember your true loves first, and I'm not talking some 6th grade crush, peck on the lips kind of thing, but that one electric moment when two separate people become one single energy, and you forget everything, as the longest seconds of your life fly by. A true kiss of lifetimes.A kiss that seemed so natural, so familiar, as if you have kissed them before, in another life perhaps. Think about it, because I remember every detail of mine. The day I kissed my princess.
It was St. Paddy's, which is my favorite holiday, cause it involves drinking Jameson, my green bottle lady, not to be confused with Jamison, my green eyed lady. I was dating Danielle at the time, which was a great relationship that I screwed up. It truly was perfect at the time, an open relationship, which during our 3 year relationship, Danielle had many other boys and toys on the side, but I only had one other girl, Nadine. And in the beginning, Dani was cool and accepting, but then I did many, many small seemingly meaningless things to her, a real dick, and couldn't commit to just her when the time came to step up or move on. I basically failed. But before all of that, there was this night, St. Paddy's, and we were all out drinking together. We hung out a lot cause I had secured them fake ID's, so that they could hang out with me, and this night was no exception, with a lot of people from work joining us. Dani was an server at the Ram too, along with others. At the end of the night, I was the designated drunk driver home, cause a DUI at 31 was less than one of them to get one, so I always drove, like a grandma, but got the job done safe. Anyways, back to the story, so we all end up at my house, cause I happened to be the hook up for everyone's green needs. Once everyone left, it became clear that Dani was really sick, drunk drunk drunk, worse than her 21st birthday. I kept her drunk for 3 days straight. Plus it didn't help that Dani had eaten 2 big glasses of those red bar cherries, sick and gross. So, and I know this is bad, and wrong, and makes me an evil dick again, but when I returned from the other room where Dani was puking into a bucket, to get her a couple mints and her water, I offered one to Nadine, who was passing out on my bed, if she wanted one. Sure was the reply. Now I do not know what the hell possessed me to do this, but jokingly, I put the mint between my teeth and leaned in. I know, you're thinking totally cheese, movie moment, but its true, 100% Nadine and I kissed, and more than just enough to take the mint, the girl took the bait, or was it me that took the bait, i don't know, but anyways, that's when i knew there was something different about Nadine. That first kiss felt so comfortable and natural. So soft...
Now I did tend to my girl Dani and her needs as the night went on, but I also paid very good attention to Nadine's needs as well. And once Dani was feeling better enough to crawl into bed with us and pass out, well that would end our first romantic night together, and it all started with a kiss.
It was St. Paddy's, which is my favorite holiday, cause it involves drinking Jameson, my green bottle lady, not to be confused with Jamison, my green eyed lady. I was dating Danielle at the time, which was a great relationship that I screwed up. It truly was perfect at the time, an open relationship, which during our 3 year relationship, Danielle had many other boys and toys on the side, but I only had one other girl, Nadine. And in the beginning, Dani was cool and accepting, but then I did many, many small seemingly meaningless things to her, a real dick, and couldn't commit to just her when the time came to step up or move on. I basically failed. But before all of that, there was this night, St. Paddy's, and we were all out drinking together. We hung out a lot cause I had secured them fake ID's, so that they could hang out with me, and this night was no exception, with a lot of people from work joining us. Dani was an server at the Ram too, along with others. At the end of the night, I was the designated drunk driver home, cause a DUI at 31 was less than one of them to get one, so I always drove, like a grandma, but got the job done safe. Anyways, back to the story, so we all end up at my house, cause I happened to be the hook up for everyone's green needs. Once everyone left, it became clear that Dani was really sick, drunk drunk drunk, worse than her 21st birthday. I kept her drunk for 3 days straight. Plus it didn't help that Dani had eaten 2 big glasses of those red bar cherries, sick and gross. So, and I know this is bad, and wrong, and makes me an evil dick again, but when I returned from the other room where Dani was puking into a bucket, to get her a couple mints and her water, I offered one to Nadine, who was passing out on my bed, if she wanted one. Sure was the reply. Now I do not know what the hell possessed me to do this, but jokingly, I put the mint between my teeth and leaned in. I know, you're thinking totally cheese, movie moment, but its true, 100% Nadine and I kissed, and more than just enough to take the mint, the girl took the bait, or was it me that took the bait, i don't know, but anyways, that's when i knew there was something different about Nadine. That first kiss felt so comfortable and natural. So soft...
Now I did tend to my girl Dani and her needs as the night went on, but I also paid very good attention to Nadine's needs as well. And once Dani was feeling better enough to crawl into bed with us and pass out, well that would end our first romantic night together, and it all started with a kiss.
Luv letter to my ex
I've been thinking about you all week. I do so love you Nadine with all my heart. I know you love Dustin and I can see just how hard you are trying to be the new person you've always talked about. But I also know you Nadine, and the part of you that should never change. I truly wish there was a way to share you, so that you could love us both, and be with us both, yet still live the happy life as you are now. I also thought about what you said, about not getting married ever, even to Dustin, and that's ok with me Nadine, cause I never wanted to marry you; more like a celtic handfasting. And it never mattered to me that you'd keep your last name, shit, I'd probably have taken it myself. Anyways Nadine, I love you, I love you, I love you, and have never stopped since the first day I saw you scrapping gum from under the tables at the ram. You were my life for so long, and you still are Nadine, and for years to come. I do want to have kids with you, our family. I'm trying hard to get my life figured out, trying to find a plan to create a new, better life for us, for our future. I do want you back Nadine. Hell, I never wanted you to leave. Prove to yourself that you can be different, that you can start over, then truly decide how you feel. Like you always said, nothing lasts forever. You also warned me not to fall in love cause of how painfully you tended to break hearts, and you were right. Mine is absolutely destroyed, and only you can help me put it back together. I love you more now, and will never stop believing that someday, we will be together again. Please don't think that all creepy like a stalker, but I truly believe that our lives are meant to be together, like we are. It feels right Nadine, the energy between us, our relationship. I still don't know or understand why you left me Nadine, why we could have talked things out before you took such an abrupt turn and ended things. And it will hurt for quite a while how quickly you jumped right into bed with someone else, granted he's probably way better than me, not that difficult, but now while you sit in your new place, with somebody to love you, and wait on you, my life is still shit. You were the one and only thing in my life that mattered, and without you now....the will to try is gone. But you tell me you still love me, and need me in your life, much as I do so need you. You say you need me to come see you, hang out with you, even cuddle with you, that you miss me and talk about me a lot, which makes me wonder why you left me. Anyways, Nadine if you want me back in your life, then pursue me. Call me and invite me over more. As for cuddles, well that might get tricky baby, cause I think that once I hold you in my arms again, I won't be able to let go. And you drive me wild just being around you. It was all I could do to sleep on the floor, behave like a gentleman. Its not easy, cause so much of our early relationship was about me being the other guy on the side in your life, for quite a long time. And I do so very much enjoy sex with you Nadine, I always have. I know there was a long period of time that we both lost interest in it, and I'm sorry if you ever thought for a second that you were anythings less in my life, or if you felt ignored or neglected. I will never make you feel unappreciated or take you for granted ever. I love you, need you and want you back so bad Nadine.
Timing
So no sooner than I had posted the first of the stories on this new blog, guess who should call me, but Nadine herself. We sat and talked for almost two hours. She is fresh out of detox, for the second time in two weeks cause they won;t let her stay longer than 5 days at a time. She sounded really good, though she was very manic, couldn't sleep. I remember those days. Meth fueled manic episodes lasting for weeks. Its during the time she was hanging out with Gary, a real fuck head tweaker, who though that he was so more deserving of Nadine. Plus as long as he kept her high, she believed his lies. This was also during the time that allme and Nadine did is fight, mostly over her doing meth and hanging out with Gary. I had to eventually chase him off, only to have Nadine keep bringing him back, til the lasttime,when I caught him stealing my digital camera and hard drive to my computer. Chased that fool for blocks through downtown Seattle, but nobody can catch a scared little bitch when they run. A year later, I saw him, well, we saw each other, and our parting words as we passed by: Gary" Bitch", Me "Engaged", haven't seen him since, but I notice on FB sometimes he pops up, trying to weasel his way back. It really was another case of Nadine letting things get to far, to fast, letting people think what they want as long as she gets what she needs. And sadly, Gary wasn't the last guy that used meth to hook Nadine, though there was more going on, and leaving me to chase them all of.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
starlite
It felt like being high on a cloud, together with you, drifting carefree above the world, over everything that didn’t matter anymore. Holding each other tight, we rise weightless together towards the heavens. But then suddenly, like a pin to a child’s balloon, pop-my cloud disappeared, and violently I fell to earth, a broken angel, cast out and now laying here, in so much pain, so dead inside, and so confused as to where I am. What just happened to me?? I’m lost, looking for my light. I stand up slowly and continue to look around, but I can’t find you. I look around, scared and crying, I panic, can’t breathe. I feel sick as the world around me starts to spin, pulling me down, sucking me into the ground. My stomach tightens and my ears begin to ring. I lay down, and look up at the infinite blackness above me, the pure emptiness of it all, as it surrounds everything, enveloping the world with a cold, sterile grip. There is no escaping its reach, its fingers of despair, as they pierce your heart and mind. I have never felt so alone, so lost and so utterly helpless. Then I see you, high above me. You did not fall like me, but you continued on, and now your single light shines so bright. I lay here now and stare at your light for hours. And though you and I are now separated, I will find you in another life. All I have to do is to look up on any clear dark night, find the single brightest start in the sky and think of you.
Nadine, I love you so much, and I am so fucked in the head over you and I can’t figure shit out and am so fucking lost. So much of my life was you, I miss you every day, but can’t be with you, the who that you are now, the one I knew was inside and wait for so long to grow. I ‘m glad your happy, and finally changing. But its killing me, numb, inside out. May 18, 2011
Its a start
Not exactly a story about Nadine, but it took me over an hour to write and left me crying the whole bus ride to work. There never was a real fight or break up between us, and I think she planned it that way. I had outlasted several other boyfriends of her's and even one previous fiance, and that's how she kind of always did it, would leave and then over the phone, break up. I remember her coming to stay with me, just after I moved into the OK Hotel. It was my birthday, and I had been living in this place less than a week. Nadine was living in Tacoma, living with a guy named Will, but also staying alot with Ian and Tisha, friends from work. Cool kids, many stories about all of us. So Nadine was horrible about letting guys assume too much too fast, and was never honest right up front. But she does have a big kind heart, and so rather than telling some guy she just met No, he ends up thinking he's her exclusive boyfriend with in days of meeting her. Happens alot. So did turning lovers into addicts. It did suck us all into her world. We all wanted to know what was so damn special about dope, so we all ended up trying, then using, then getting sick.
Anyways, I would get off work Friday nights, run home quick, grab the dog, BooDah James, and we would ride the last bus of the night to Tacoma, just so we could stay with Tisha and Ian, and then Nadine would come hangout there, and stay a couple days. Poor Will. I think about it now, how is a guy going to react when his "girl" decides to go stay at some friends from work, and her guy "friend" from Seattle is in town, and you can't come over. Yeah, i'd be pissed off too. From the very beginning, everytime I tell her she needs to be honest. She wasn't exclusive, and she wasn't anybodies "girl". Once he just showed up, all pissed off and upset, just knowing he going to catch us doing something. What he got was a quick escort to the door by Ian and his friends. In his defense though, me and Nadine were sleeping together. It kind of was the whole reason I was going down to see her. Oh, shit- I totally forgot. So this was all happening end of October, through November til December, when she wanted to try and be serious with Will, to really be faithful, and that he didn't want us to hang out at all anymore. A month later, she comes to stay one night, and we talk for hours. about how her habit is pretty bad, and that Will was using, starting to get sick, etc... She sounded tired, but peaceful. For Valentine's day that year, I got the tattoo on my finger for her, then went to see her in Tacoma, ending up in some bar by the bus station. That's when she told me she was pregnant, but not how far along, made it sound like they're could only be Will's, but I already had a feeling. She was scared, and didn't know what to do, she couldn't keep this a secret for long. A week later she was at my place at the OK Hotel. She told Will she was in detox, and had no phone for the first 5 days. Nadine's sister Ericka knew where she was, but lied for us. Really, Nadine came to stay with me while she went to a womens clinic that specialized in late term cancellations. Nadine had been using the whole time, and is Hep C+, with other complications, so this was the best choice, ok. Don't judge because it was about this same time that I really started doing the math, and thinking how far a long was she really? True is we will never know, but it still hurts wondering if those where the twins we were going to have?? They could have very easily been mine. And it was rough for Nadine, with lots of extra bleeding and the drugs made her sick, I was just so glad to get her back to my apartment and take care of her for a while as she healed up. She called Will to tell him that she had left him, he already knew about the abortion, and that she was going to stay with her sister for a while, but I think he knew better. Nadine didn't leave after that. I remember having a long conversation with her about why she just wouldn't give us, me and her a serious try. And she replied how she was worried that if we lived together, boyfriend/girlfriend, and it didn't work out that she would lose me as her best friend. But the time had come, to where if she didn't accept this, and take this risk then I would leave, cause it was to real and painful for me to always be the stand by guy, though right now, as i right this, that sounds so great. I think that has alot to do with her new relationship, and why I'm not adjusting well. No matter what, always me and Nadine had our relationship, and we lied and cheated to keep it. And it was great sex too, but more than that, it was deep, energy, a karma cleanse, aura energy being balanced. So this is new, different and not healthy.
Until next post
KK
Anyways, I would get off work Friday nights, run home quick, grab the dog, BooDah James, and we would ride the last bus of the night to Tacoma, just so we could stay with Tisha and Ian, and then Nadine would come hangout there, and stay a couple days. Poor Will. I think about it now, how is a guy going to react when his "girl" decides to go stay at some friends from work, and her guy "friend" from Seattle is in town, and you can't come over. Yeah, i'd be pissed off too. From the very beginning, everytime I tell her she needs to be honest. She wasn't exclusive, and she wasn't anybodies "girl". Once he just showed up, all pissed off and upset, just knowing he going to catch us doing something. What he got was a quick escort to the door by Ian and his friends. In his defense though, me and Nadine were sleeping together. It kind of was the whole reason I was going down to see her. Oh, shit- I totally forgot. So this was all happening end of October, through November til December, when she wanted to try and be serious with Will, to really be faithful, and that he didn't want us to hang out at all anymore. A month later, she comes to stay one night, and we talk for hours. about how her habit is pretty bad, and that Will was using, starting to get sick, etc... She sounded tired, but peaceful. For Valentine's day that year, I got the tattoo on my finger for her, then went to see her in Tacoma, ending up in some bar by the bus station. That's when she told me she was pregnant, but not how far along, made it sound like they're could only be Will's, but I already had a feeling. She was scared, and didn't know what to do, she couldn't keep this a secret for long. A week later she was at my place at the OK Hotel. She told Will she was in detox, and had no phone for the first 5 days. Nadine's sister Ericka knew where she was, but lied for us. Really, Nadine came to stay with me while she went to a womens clinic that specialized in late term cancellations. Nadine had been using the whole time, and is Hep C+, with other complications, so this was the best choice, ok. Don't judge because it was about this same time that I really started doing the math, and thinking how far a long was she really? True is we will never know, but it still hurts wondering if those where the twins we were going to have?? They could have very easily been mine. And it was rough for Nadine, with lots of extra bleeding and the drugs made her sick, I was just so glad to get her back to my apartment and take care of her for a while as she healed up. She called Will to tell him that she had left him, he already knew about the abortion, and that she was going to stay with her sister for a while, but I think he knew better. Nadine didn't leave after that. I remember having a long conversation with her about why she just wouldn't give us, me and her a serious try. And she replied how she was worried that if we lived together, boyfriend/girlfriend, and it didn't work out that she would lose me as her best friend. But the time had come, to where if she didn't accept this, and take this risk then I would leave, cause it was to real and painful for me to always be the stand by guy, though right now, as i right this, that sounds so great. I think that has alot to do with her new relationship, and why I'm not adjusting well. No matter what, always me and Nadine had our relationship, and we lied and cheated to keep it. And it was great sex too, but more than that, it was deep, energy, a karma cleanse, aura energy being balanced. So this is new, different and not healthy.
Until next post
KK
New blog, new idea, new posts
So I had wanted to do this a while ago, just as a way for me to say things to Nadine, so I can work out some serious fucked up issues in my head. I wanted a way for her to know at any time just what I was thinking and how much I still miss her.
We met at work, and became friends at first, then while I dated a mutual friend, Nadine became my lover on the side, and for the next 3 years, I continued to see Nadine, when we could, while I dated Danielle. When me and Danielle finally split up, it was just a matter of time before Nadine came to live with me, and for the next 2 1/2 years, was my girlfriend/fiance. We went through alot together, including huge drug habits, rehab/methadone treatment, and even where homeless together. So when we finally moved back to my family, for some help, i truly believed the worst was over. We were going to stay for a couple months, get jobs and a place to live, then move back here to Seattle.
I put her on a bus, alone, to Seattle, on August 4th, for a doctors/SSDI appointment with DSHS. She kissed me goodbye, said she loved me, gave me a huge hug, said she call me when she got there, and then got on the bus. She never returned. 4 days later, her FB status changed, from just : in a relationship, to Engaged, and it wasn't my name. When I called, she told me that she did love me, but wasn't in love with me, and that her new guy was an old friend, and a chance for her to start over. She treated me so wrong, stabbed me twice, beat me, robbed me, used me, and I never stopped loving her. She says she's happy now. Basically, she's finally growing up and becoming the person I knew she was inside. So I'm happy. But its with somebody else, and that's depressing. Worse is that while I struggle to rebuild my entire life from nothing, try to cope with being alone and starting over, her life is great, good place to live, guy that loves her very much, right back to living a better version of our old life.
So what the hell does all this mean, well, it means that I have all these memories, and all the painful emotions that go with them, and I hope that if I try and get some of it all out, then maybe it like 10 years I won't be so fucked up and depressed and alone inside my own head.
We met at work, and became friends at first, then while I dated a mutual friend, Nadine became my lover on the side, and for the next 3 years, I continued to see Nadine, when we could, while I dated Danielle. When me and Danielle finally split up, it was just a matter of time before Nadine came to live with me, and for the next 2 1/2 years, was my girlfriend/fiance. We went through alot together, including huge drug habits, rehab/methadone treatment, and even where homeless together. So when we finally moved back to my family, for some help, i truly believed the worst was over. We were going to stay for a couple months, get jobs and a place to live, then move back here to Seattle.
I put her on a bus, alone, to Seattle, on August 4th, for a doctors/SSDI appointment with DSHS. She kissed me goodbye, said she loved me, gave me a huge hug, said she call me when she got there, and then got on the bus. She never returned. 4 days later, her FB status changed, from just : in a relationship, to Engaged, and it wasn't my name. When I called, she told me that she did love me, but wasn't in love with me, and that her new guy was an old friend, and a chance for her to start over. She treated me so wrong, stabbed me twice, beat me, robbed me, used me, and I never stopped loving her. She says she's happy now. Basically, she's finally growing up and becoming the person I knew she was inside. So I'm happy. But its with somebody else, and that's depressing. Worse is that while I struggle to rebuild my entire life from nothing, try to cope with being alone and starting over, her life is great, good place to live, guy that loves her very much, right back to living a better version of our old life.
So what the hell does all this mean, well, it means that I have all these memories, and all the painful emotions that go with them, and I hope that if I try and get some of it all out, then maybe it like 10 years I won't be so fucked up and depressed and alone inside my own head.
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