So I had wanted to do this a while ago, just as a way for me to say things to Nadine, so I can work out some serious fucked up issues in my head. I wanted a way for her to know at any time just what I was thinking and how much I still miss her.
We met at work, and became friends at first, then while I dated a mutual friend, Nadine became my lover on the side, and for the next 3 years, I continued to see Nadine, when we could, while I dated Danielle. When me and Danielle finally split up, it was just a matter of time before Nadine came to live with me, and for the next 2 1/2 years, was my girlfriend/fiance. We went through alot together, including huge drug habits, rehab/methadone treatment, and even where homeless together. So when we finally moved back to my family, for some help, i truly believed the worst was over. We were going to stay for a couple months, get jobs and a place to live, then move back here to Seattle.
I put her on a bus, alone, to Seattle, on August 4th, for a doctors/SSDI appointment with DSHS. She kissed me goodbye, said she loved me, gave me a huge hug, said she call me when she got there, and then got on the bus. She never returned. 4 days later, her FB status changed, from just : in a relationship, to Engaged, and it wasn't my name. When I called, she told me that she did love me, but wasn't in love with me, and that her new guy was an old friend, and a chance for her to start over. She treated me so wrong, stabbed me twice, beat me, robbed me, used me, and I never stopped loving her. She says she's happy now. Basically, she's finally growing up and becoming the person I knew she was inside. So I'm happy. But its with somebody else, and that's depressing. Worse is that while I struggle to rebuild my entire life from nothing, try to cope with being alone and starting over, her life is great, good place to live, guy that loves her very much, right back to living a better version of our old life.
So what the hell does all this mean, well, it means that I have all these memories, and all the painful emotions that go with them, and I hope that if I try and get some of it all out, then maybe it like 10 years I won't be so fucked up and depressed and alone inside my own head.
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